You used to love riding, but now it feels more stressful than enjoyable —your heart races, your hands shake, or you second-guess every movement.
I’ve been where you are. I used to have butterflies in my stomach, shaky hands and panic attacks at night. You’re not alone. And you’re not the only one who’s ever felt this way.
I’m Abby Shpilman. I’m a trauma therapist and lifelong horsewoman. I help female equestrians overcome fear, anxiety and self-doubt.
Women I work with feel scared, stuck, or disconnected—whether it’s fear after a fall, anxiety in the saddle, or that nagging inner voice whispering, “You’re not good enough.”
People often ask me, how do I get rid of my nerves? If I have any tips on how to feel relaxed in the saddle.
As I mentioned before, I can completely relates as I remember those moments too well. The pounding heart. The shaky hands. The dread of getting on my own horse—even though I’d been riding since I was 10 years old. Even though I knew how to ride, and he was standing perfectly still.
And I remember how isolating it felt. I felt ashamed do feeling this way. no one around me understood how I felt, so I had to find the answers by researching different approaches.
So if you’re here because riding feels hard right now… take a deep breath. You’re in the right place.
The Myth of “Just Relax”
How many times have you heard:
- “Just breathe.”
- “You’ll be fine.”
- “Your horse is safe—what’s the problem?”
Maybe you’ve said these things to yourself, too. I know I did.
I remember people telling me, “Just hop on—he’s standing still,” and me thinking, You don’t get it. My heart is racing. My legs feel like jelly. I can’t even take a full breath.
Let’s get one thing clear: Relaxation isn’t a mindset.
It’s not something you can “think” your way into. It’s a physiological state—your body needs to feel safe before it can relax.
And if your nervous system is stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? No amount of positive thinking can override it.
Btw, I made a video about the flight, fight, freeze response in my private fb group The Ride Tribe (want to join – click here)
Watch the video:
Why Fear Lives in the Body (Not Just the Mind)
Your nervous system is designed to protect you.
When you’ve had a fall, a scary ride, or even unrelated life stress, your brain stores those moments as potential threats. And sometimes, when you’re around horses again—especially when mounting up—your body replays that alarm.
That might look like:
- Muscle tension or stiffness
- Shallow breathing or dizziness
- A racing mind filled with “what ifs”
- Panic, avoidance, or feeling emotionally numb
It’s not about logic. You might know your horse is safe.
But your body says: I don’t feel safe.
The goal is to learn how to feel safe in the body, understanding the root of your fear and get help to process is correctly so you can move forward and enjoy your ride
Click here to book a time to learn how to overcome your fear – FREE consultation
A Client Story: “I Knew My Horse Was Fine… But My Body Didn’t”
One of my clients shares a horse with her daughter. She’s watched her daughter ride him with confidence . She even lets beginners ride him—and he’s always behaves.
But when it came to riding herself, she froze. Her body tensed. Her mind filled with fear, especially about the ‘What ifs’. She held very strongly to the reins, her mind kept spiraling with all different scenarios.
Her horse hadn’t changed. But something inside her had.
We worked together to gently bring her back into her body. No pushing. No pressure. Just small steps, until she felt safe in her body.
By the end of our session, she was sitting deep in the saddle, relaxed, riding with long reins.
She messaged me the next day:
“He spooked at something—but I didn’t panic. I felt calm and ready to respond.”
That’s the power of nervous system regulation. It’s not about being fearless. It’s about being grounded.
Why Pushing Through Doesn’t Work (And What to Do Instead)
Real confidence doesn’t come from pushing harder.
It comes from building a felt sense of safety—first in your body, then in the saddle.
So how do you do that?
Let’s explore a few simple but powerful steps you can begin practicing today.
5 Gentle Ways to Help Your Body Relax Before or During a Ride
1. Ground Yourself Before Riding
- Try to place one hand on your belly, one on your chest/
- Then take three slow, deep breaths—with longer exhales than inhales.
- (Try changing your hands positions to see what resonates with you)
- Feel your boots on the ground or stirrups.
- Move your toes or tap on your thighs to connect to your body.
2. Let Go of Performance Pressure
You’re not being judged. This isn’t about being “good enough.”
Repeat to yourself: “I’m riding to connect, not to perform.”
Or try “I’m walking with my horse’ feel the rhythm, hear the footsteps
3. Ride in Small, Safe Steps
You don’t need to go on a full trail ride or canter session.
Try:
- Walking in a round yard
- Mounting and dismounting
- Standing by the mounting block
- Just sitting for a minute or so the get off
Each small win is training your nervous system to feel safe.
4. Use a Gentle Anchor Phrase
Try saying out loud:
- “We’re just here to connect.”
- “I’m allowed to take this slow.”
- “I don’t need to prove anything.”
- Remember you are not in a rush!
5. Dismount When Needed—Without Shame
Getting off doesn’t mean you failed. It means you’re listening to your body. That builds trust over time. (I wished someone has told me that when I felt scared).
“But I Still Feel Anxious. What Now?”
That’s okay. Healing takes time.
Especially if your fear isn’t just about horses—but about old, unresolved stress or trauma your body still remembers.
That’s why in my work, we don’t jump straight to mindset work.
We start with the nervous system.
We help your body feel safe again—through regulation, awareness, and gentle somatic tools.
We bring curiosity instead of judgment.
We move slowly.
And we make space for the emotions that arise—without forcing them.
Why Therapy Didn’t “Fix It”—And Why This Is Different
You might be thinking: “I’ve tried therapy before. It didn’t help my confidence.”
Here’s what I want you to know:
Traditional therapy often focuses on the mind. But if your fear is held in the body, we need to work with the body.
In trauma-informed, somatic-based sessions, we focus on:
- Where you feel tension, stuckness, or shutdown
- How your breath, posture, thoughts and beliefs are connected
- What safety feels like in your body—not just in your mind
It’s not about “getting over it.”
It’s about learning to build new healthy patterns, open and process old patterns and decide whether or not it serves us holding on to them – and of course rebuilding trust in yourself again.
The Cost of Ignoring the Fear
Avoiding the fear won’t make it disappear. Trust me—I tried.
You probably heard the saying ‘What we resist – persists!’
But what I’ve learned (and what I see in my clients again and again) is that ignoring fear comes at a high cost:
- Feeling disconnected from your horse
- Constantly second-guessing yourself
- Experiencing panic, tension, or shutdown
- Losing joy in something you once loved
And often… withdrawing from riding altogether.
Not because you don’t care.
But because the anxiety became too loud.
The Good News: You Can Change This!
If you’ve been thinking:
- “What’s wrong with me?”
- “I used to be fine. Why not now?”
- “Is this just who I am now?”
Here’s my answer: No.
This isn’t who you are.
It’s a nervous system adaptation—something your body learned to do to keep you safe.
But it’s not permanent. And it doesn’t define you.
Who you truly are is still in there—underneath the tension, doubt, and fear.
And with the right support, you can reconnect with that confident, joyful rider again. Fear was there to protect you once, but if it doesn’t serve you anymore and you feel you want to learn how to overcome it, then let’s chat!
How I Can Support You
I offer online, trauma-informed sessions for women across Australia who want to ride confidently, with calm, clarity, and connection.
You don’t need to push harder.
You don’t need to prove yourself.
You just need the right support to feel safe enough to come back to riding on your terms.
Whether you’ve stopped riding completely or you’re still showing up (but silently struggling), I want you to know that healing is possible.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Ready to Rebuild Trust in Yourself?
If anything in this article resonated with you, I invite you to book a free 30-minute consultation with me.
No pressure. No judgment. Just a chance to talk about what’s going on—and explore what feeling confident in the saddle could look like again.
📍 Book your free call here
📍 Or send me an email and say “READY”
Let’s help your body feel safe again—so you can ride with confidence, joy, and freedom.
You deserve to enjoy your horse, not just endure the ride. 💛
Abby Shpilman is a trauma therapist who specialised in helping female riders all across Australia to overcome fear, anxiety and self doubt.